so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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