If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
