Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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