One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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