It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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