Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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