I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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