we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
