Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
