Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
