I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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