Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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