I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
