I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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