my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
