How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
