the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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