Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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