so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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