The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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