we have pet lesbian snakes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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