But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
