if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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