I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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