he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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