i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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