I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
