My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i love accidental penises.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
