Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
