Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
