he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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