Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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