sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you had me at cake vodka
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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