Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
