Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
