I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
