Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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