I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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