no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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