I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
