Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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