I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
