If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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