I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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