the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
