I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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