Tell her she can't have a vagina
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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