some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
