My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
