yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found the puke drawer
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I love you.
Bad choice
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
