oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
