what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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