you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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