In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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