Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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