i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
