they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
