I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
