you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
