He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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